my name is B.YONEST… and I banged MEGAN FOX: CHAPTER V: PART I

meganB_3The moment most of you ALL have been waiting for is finally here. This journey of my night of fun w/ Megan Fox has taken on a following of its’ own. I had no idea my crazy story would be such an eye opening experience for everyone else, but I’m delighted to bring you all such satisfaction. HERE WE GO.

I probably did six thousand push-ups from 2pm to 630pm that day. I checked the clock every seventeen seconds. I sweat so much (on pure EXcitement) that I lost 12 pounds and I kept checking my cell phone to make sure Megan hadn’t called, texted, changed her plans, my phone hadn’t died and i was a nervous fuckin wreck so I was looking for something to do. I smoked two ounces of bubble gum kush by myself in five hours and I was STILL A NERVOUS WRECK.

I hadn’t been on many dates in my life. There was the dance in 8th grade where I got beat up by the girls’ boyfriend. She only asked me to go as a joke so that her boyfriend would have a reason to kick my ass. There was the Amusement Park Extravaganza my Sophomore year. My date rode every ride w/ the wide receiver of the football team and I sat in the back of every ride with the super fat “goth” chick.. Needless to say, I was a real ladies man back in the day. NOT! I mean, I’d dated before but not like this.

Zak didn’t have an ounce of nervousness in his bones ANYWHERE. Dude gets girls. When i say dude gets girls. I mean girls “literally” throw themselves at Zak like he’s MY FUCKIN CLIENT. That’s why we call him “Crack Dawson.” Remember “Jack Dawson” from Titanic. Leonardo DiCaprio fuckin idiots. Well, that’s Zak aka Crack in real life. Hoes love him.

“Just be yourself bro. She’s just a girl, dude,” he said as we were getting dressed @ Equinox. Easy for his ass to say. He’s banged NHL hockey cheerleaders. He’s kicked it w/ models. He’s been to Victoria’s Secret Fashion shows. Zak’s a big deal. Maybe he IS MY CLIENT.

“Whatever bro. I’m cool,” I responded as my hands shook hysterically. I couldn’t even cut my hair right I was so fuckin nervous and I shave it bald. What the fuck was I going to do. I couldn’t go to dinner w/ Megan like this. Either I was going to have to take some medicine to relax, smoke another ounce in 45 minutes, cancel dinner or CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Canceling dinner wasn’t an option, I was probably going to pop the meds ANYWAY and smoking the trees…Well, that’s a no brainer. CALMing THE FUCK DOWN was a dire necessity. I felt like it was the 1st day of school, the last day of school, the 1st time I had sex, the last time I had sex and my 1st concert ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I was GEEKED..

Zak was dressed in a pair of jeans (the Abercrombie/Hollister joints w/ the holes in them.. REAL TRENDY), some black Nike Air Max’s w/ a tint of white and red and a Large white t-shirt that read “I’m the Reason Your Wife Left You.” (with a B.YONEST LOGO embedded on the shirt as well.) Red sunglasses, hair fresh to def. Zak was ready to go.  I was dressed in a pair of jeans (I “sneeked” from Red Planet in Columbus, Ohio), a pair of White and Yellow Dunk (with green laces) and an XL  yellow t-shirt that read  “U Can Google Me Bitch.” (with a B.YONEST LOGO embedded on the shirt as well.) Green sunglasses, head freshly shaven. I was ready to “ball the fuck out.”

Zak and I walked out the gym towards “THIS THING” and I was feeling much, much better. the sun was beginning to set on the Ocean, the beautiful people walking around me gave me a feeling of inspiration and it was a GORGEOUS evening. What could possibly go wrong on a night like this. Zak and I approached “THIS THING” and noticed a note on the windshield. Zak thought it was a ticket (because we’d received a TON of those since arriving in Los Angeles). Indeed, it was a ticket.

“Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend FUCKER… B.A.G.” the note read. I began laughing hysterically as Zak read the letter because he said BAG instead of B then A then G. Who’s is the only F.A.G. in the city who would leave a note on a fuckin promotional vehicle. Brian Boston Bean. I thought he was out of town. Maybe he came home to rescue his girl from me.  Maybe he was on his way out of town and noticed “THIS THING.” I didn’t know and quite honestly.. I didn’t give two shits. I’d seen the media talkin about them lately. Last I’d heard she was a single gal PLUS she called me askin’ me out. WAS MEGAN FOX SETTING ME UP LIKE THE 8TH GRADE GIRL? Was this another case of “too good to be true.” Fuck it, I’m a horny 27 year old and I wanna bang Megan Fox.

Zak and I jumped in “THIS THING” and headed toward Venice. Our great homies Chris P, Merf D “OG” and Karate Chris were havin’ a cookout @ Merf’s crib. Bitches, swimmin and liquor. That’s the crazy thing about Los Angeles. You may find yourself @ a party on a Thursday Evening getting fucked up. Them fools knew a gang of celebrities too. Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Rappaport… My sqwad kicks it and if Merf is having a party and your invited.. I HIGHLY suggest you make it there. We stopped @ Habib’s to get a pack of bleeders.

“You look much better buddy,” Habib exhalted (you know with that voice like the people with the dot on their forehead)

“Yeah Habib. I feel muuuch better today. Not drunk YET and I have a date tonight,” I said with certain excitement. “Let me get a pack of grape cigarillos.”

“Good, good for you, B. He’re your cigars. Be safe and make sure you fuck her in the backside,” he said as I walked out the door.

“I will Habib. I’ll fuck her in the backside just for you brotha.”

I twisted up as we pulled into Venice. The people there are amazing. Most are qwerky weirdos, but interesting as shit. Every six seconds there’s someone attempting to sale their cds in groups of forty seven. Imagine if you really bought 47 cd’s for 5 dollars. You’d spend 235.00 just walkin’ on the Venice Strip. Not for me.

We pulled up to Merf’s crib and (like always) the street was packed with parked cars (of people attending his party), the front yard was full of sexy ladies (of different nationalities), the backyard was loud, my weed was twisted and I was ready to get my party on. I had almost forgotten for a second that I had a date with Megan Fox.

“Damn. This is what we get to do BEFORE we go kick it with Megan,” Zak said.

“Thanks DICK. For like 12 seconds I was so excited to see Merf’s crib, I’d forgotten.”

“My bad,” Zak said as he cracked up laughing walking into Merf’s front door.

“Hey Frog,” Chris P. screamed.. Now this fool is crazy. The stories I could tell you about my main mutha fucka Chris P is enough for eighty nine books themselves. To sum Chris P up though.. Crazy, deranged, amazing, the best friend to his homies ever, a little weird.. Basically, just like the rest of my SQWAD!!

“What up nigga,” I screamed back as Chris punched me in the chest. That was his way of saying “hi” with love. What Chris never seemed to remember is he’s heavy handed and one punch can be enough to knock the wind out of you. The more he drinks, the less he remembers and the heavier his hand becomes. BAD COMBINATION. After i picked my stomach chest up off the floor, grabbed my sunglasses back from Zak and realized where I was, Chris and I hugged and life was great again.

“Merf. Girls, Booze, Weed, Food, Swimming, bikinis, shots, titties and ass all in the back yard. Grab a condom, walk in the backyard, grab a drink and pick a bitch,” Chris said as he closed the bathroom door. I didn’t know whether to believe him. I mean, I believed that was all in the backyard, but the “grab a condom..pick a bitch” thing….? Who really knew? Chris P is extremely sarcastic and parties get a tad out of hand @ Merf’s crib. I went to walk out the back patio and next to the door sat a stand with condoms, ky jelly and a bottle of grey goose. I LOVE L.A. just, B.YONEST (a day in the life)

Merf was in the back yard, standing next to one of his six palm trees. He had on a pair of blue swim trunks hanging past his knees. The string was un-tied, he was holding a bottle of Grey Goose in his left hand and his right hand was stuck on some brown haired, dark tanned chick’s breast. Merf is a BEAST. He had a clear blunt in his mouth filled with “OG” KUSH, his sunglasses were on the dark tanned chick and he looked super DRUNK.

“What up, my nigga,” Merf screamed at me. “B.YONEST and CRACK. You niggas ready to party, tonight? We got the girlz, the booze, the swimming pool and the jimmies. Whatever you need is here. Get drunk and go fuck.”

Los Angeles is the most eye opening experience. I know I mentioned that before, but damn. Dime piece girls, people breaking weed up and smoking it LEGALLY, different nationalities and demographics of people, kickin’ it at my good friends’ crib. Did I mention I had a date w/ Megan Fox in a couple hours. Tough life, I know.

I couldn’t find Zak for (what seemed like) hours. Last I remembered, he was talking to two girls who claimed to be models for an online Lingerie Company. Tall, one was blonde, one was brunette… Both, beautiful. I searched the pool. NO Zak. I searched the crib (kitchen, bathroo(s), bedroom(s) and living room). NO Zak. Dude left with two hot Lingerie models and didn’t tell me? Rude! Beyond rude. Fucking ridiculous, truthfully. I walked back outside grabbed the blunt from Chris aka Spanto.

“You seen Crack.” I asked Chris.

“Yeah one of my homies has some. You don’t want that shit. I know you just moved to L.A. and shit, but you do NOT want to get involved in the Crack Game out here. I wont let you. Fuck that,” Chris said with a hint of fear and sincere severity in his eyes.

“Nigga, I meant Zak. LIke Zak. Crack the nickname, nigga. I never smoked crack in my life homie.”

“Oh, Oh Oh.. Zak.. That fool went in the hot tub w/ the Lingerie hoes I think. He probably gettin’ his dick wet and you sittin here talkin to me, stupid. I told you grab a condom and pick a bitch. Zak picked two,” Chris said as he laughed hysterically. I guess he meant grab a condom and pick a bitch when he said “grab a condom and pick a bitch.” I walked towards the hot tub and heard noises that need no description. Use you imagination perverts. I willl say my video camera would have come in “handy” if you know what I mean. Twenty minutes later, Zak walked out of the hot tub, smilin his face off. The Lingerie girls were gigglin and whispering to one another. I’m not going to say what “I think” happened (because I’m one for putting people on blast), but IT WENT DOWN.

“Feelin better bro,” I asked Zak in my sarcastic “I know what u did last summer” way.

“Yeah bro. I feel great bro. Ready for a date with Megan and Regan,” Zak responded. Holy shit. We totally had a date with Megan and Regan still. I’d been at Merf D “OG’s” crib, chilin and shit. I honestly forgot for seven whole minutes we had a date. True story. I felt my phone vibrate on my right hip. It wasn’t ringing though. Another text message.

“Regan and I are pretty ready to go, B. What are you and Zak doing?” the text read.

I felt like a little kid again. I have no problem speaking to women, but why do I almost pass out everytime Megan texts, calls or looks @ me. I’ve gotta get over this shit and fast.

“We’re at a party  in Venice. I’m gonna start my goodbye’s and head toward the car. 15 minutes, we’ll probably be out of here? Sound good?” I responded. “Hey Crack we gotta stab (which means leave for the idiots) in like 10 or so, homie,” I yelled to Zak across the pool. He was getting two phone numbers @ the same time. The blonde and the brunette were (literally) giving him their number simultaneously. It was AMAZING.

“Aiight dunny. I’m ready to go whenever,” Zak yelled back to me as he began walking my way. He didn’t kiss the girls goodbye. He didn’t even speak to them. He got their numbers and walked away. I was astonished because I’ve never had the “balls” to walk away from a girl. I hung up on Megan accidentally once or twice and that’s seemed to work marvelously.


‘Worse case scenario. Walk away from her. She’s either gonna think you’re an arrogant ass face, which girls seem to be into OR she’s gonna watch you walk away, realize how cute your ass is and she’s gonna wanna fuck you anyway. Wow B.YONEST. This game is really easy. The less attention you pay to a girl/woman/chick, the more they want it. I need to remember this tonight. Maybe, I wont say a single word to Megan all night. Maybe I’ll play a deaf mute. That way I won’t be able to fuck it up, by saying some stupid shit. She’ll think I lost my voice in the last few days. Yeah that’s gotta be..”

“What the fuck are you talking about B DOT?” Zak yelled at me. Again, I had just said all that shit out loud. “You’re going to act like a deaf mute all fuckin’ night long. Trust me, dude. That’s not the move.” I’ve gotta get these conversations with myself in order, apperantly.

“I was. Well, I’m workin on my. Dude, I don’t know, maybe. Shit. It could work. Megan is kickin it with Brian Boston Bean, my nigga. It doesn’t get much closer to a deaf mute than that, bro,” I said as if to defend myself.

“NO bro. You’re gonna take a couple shots, twist another bleeder, rub some nipples and we’re going to leave this party. We’re going to go meet Megan and Regan, get some dinner and go party with Edski, Megan, Ivy and the rest of the homies. Damn B DOT. That sounds like a great night to me.” Zak was absolutely correct. It did sound like an amazing night. Zak and I made our rounds. We dapped up Merf, Chris P., Karate Chris and the rest of the homies.

“See you homies later tonight?” Zak asked Chris.

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll leave here probably around 11 or so. See you @ Villa around 11:30,” he responded.

Zak and I walked to “THIS THING.” I still didn’t know what happened in the damn hot tub. I was HIGHLY curious, but Zak isn’t someone you can just ask. “Hey bro u fuck the Lingerie girls.” When it comes to Zak, the approach has to be a tad less forceful. For instance…

“Homie, the Lingerie girls were all in your mouth @ the party player,” I said. “Was you beatin cakes in the hot tub, homie. I figadeel you, play maker.”

“Yeah. I don’t what to say, dogg. They basically threw the condom on and made me. What I supposed to do,” Zak said as he began to crack a smile.

“Exactly what you did, dunny. Exactly what you did.” My homies are incredible people. That’s why i surround myself with people like that. Amazing people make you do amazing things or at least seem to have an affiliation with amazingness. We just left an amazing party, we were on our way BACK to Santa Monica to kick it with Megan and Regan and i was in the passenger seat listening to B.YONEST, while rolling a bleeder of “kush” (REAL KUSH.. not that bullshit kush people call kush) on a dinner plate (refer to my song “GOON 2 A GOBLIN”  for more on the dinner plate) and I felt GREAT.

We pulled close to Santa Monica and I began to realize what I was going to do. I hate to admit my nausea issue, but I felt like someone threw me out the window of the Sears Tower face first just to watch me scream. I ddn’t know black people could turn white, but I was Pee-Wee Herman Caucasian and I was more sweaty than “MC Hammer’s” back up dancers. Zak was relaxed as he always is. Homie doesn’t sweat. Shit’s crazy. He just posted up with two Lingerie girls so I imagine he’s feelin’ quite okay.

“We’re in the Promenade walking around. You guys on your way. We can get you a coffee from Coffee Bean if you want. Let me know,” my phone read. It was difficult to read due to the quiver and shake of my hands.

“Please do. Wait don’t. I’m pretty hyper already I respond.. No we want them. Yeah. Yeah. Please do that,” I responded. Why does Megan Fox make me repeat myself. The blunt of kush was assisting my tension level a little bit. I was smoking one and rollng another. I had the feeling my nerves were going to get worse as I closed in on the “BANG.” No pun INTENDED. We parked “THIS THING” on Ocean and Santa Monica, checked out pockets (to make sure we had our proper ingreadients), locked THIS THING and headed toward The Promenade.

“We’re walking toward Coffee Bean right now,” I texted. “See you in 2.2.” My heart was racin’. I’d been waiting for this for years. I’ve seen every poster. I’ve read every article and watched the Transformers movies elevendieght times. I’d seen, downloaded and previewed all the pictures on the Internet. I had a hard drive full of photos. Some would call me a stalker. I like to think I study.

As we approached the Promenade, Zak and I saw two figured standing in front of Coffee Bean. From a distance, they looked damn near identical. The feeling of nervousness turned into excitement and I put my sunglasses on. I didn’t know how high and drunk I looked (because I was extremely both) and I COULD NOT fuck this one  up. First impression is crucial. The whole throwing up, passing out scene was cool and all, but I was hoping tonights’ outcome was a tad bit different. We crossed the street and my mind went blank. There were so many thoughts running through my brain, I couldn’t think anything. We walked up to the girls..

“Hey hot stuff,” Megan said as she opened her arms (as if she wanted a hug.) I approached her and my heart jumped out of my chest, my penis erected and tore a hole in my jeans, my eyes became crossed and as she hugged me I felt myself ejaculate. I jizzed in my pants. Did she feel it? Did she know? I jizzed in my pants as soon as Megan hugged me. I sprinted into Coffee Bean ran in the bathroom and threw up in the sink. I stared into the mirror, washed my face, hands and threw water all over my jeans. I dried my hands and walked out of the bathroom.

“What a fucked up night this was going to be after all,” I whispered to myself. I’m STILL gonna BANG MEGAN FOX…



2 Responses to “my name is B.YONEST… and I banged MEGAN FOX: CHAPTER V: PART I”

  1. […] for I Banged Megan Fox Chapter V: Part I (click here) […]

  2. This one really pathetic and detailed fantasy you have scripted out. Go rent a porno loser.

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